Forgivingness - a good trait?
I have a cycle, that is well maintained, and a racing cycle (yes...am proud of it...and so this much description). A lot of my friends borrow my cycle for their personal use. Once, one of the regular users of my cycle (call him A) asked mine to keep it with himself overnight as he wanted to go very early in the morning to some place. On the way, he met with a small accident and so he gave my cycle for repair. The following day I had no clue about him or the cycle till lunch time when another guy B told me what had happened. So, I thought I would wait for this guy A to come and give me the cycle. No sign of him till evening, when another fellow C asked me if I got my cycle back. C had just spotted A at a canteen within campus 5 minutes before. I called up A to find out what had happened. A asked me, "didn't B tell you everything?"..."Yes", I said, "And what abt the cycle? I need it now".
"Can you get it yourself? I will pay you the money."
"Dude. You gave the cycle for repair. Shouldn't you collect it?".
"Hmmm....mucha...I am busy da."
"Ok, where are you now?"
"In Adyar."
"Oh, I see...ok then...I will get it myself. Bye."
Now, the thing that angered me was this. It is impossible to get to Adyar in 5 minutes from the canteen. Deception.
I think it is important that I also say how I reacted later.
I took the cycle...and much later, A slipped the money under my door when I was sleeping in an envelope. He and I didn't see each other till the evening on the next day, when he came to ask me for the cycle again. I said, "No. I am pissed off with what you did yesterday."
Two days later, he boarded the train home, and we haven't spoken to each other.
In this case, what does forgiving him mean? I ask myself "Am I anyone to forgive?". All I can do is to forget. When I forget, the forgiving is automatic. But, there sure was a period when I was angry, and made my displeasure known to him. It was a time when I failed to live up to that ideal. I should have given him the cycle. But, I didn't. That would have been the application of the principle of Jesus.
Now, let us look at it little more. Some people may even feel what I did was right. After all, he had lied. All my other friends were in support of me. I too thought so at that point of time. But, in retrospect, if I ask this question,"What would I have lost if I had given him the cycle key again?", I realise, that I was a big fool then. I would have lost nothing. In fact, there was a lot to have gained. But, defending my "ego", my "pride", I lost.
In what way did I lose? We two haven't spoken again to each other. We spent 4 years together in the same wing of the same hostel, in the same class, often sharing bench, classnotes, playing games, and a lot of other things. In the end, he is about to leave the campus forever, and I choose to develop grudge and lasting animosity. If only I had chosen the other alternative, in one sweep, all this would have gone, and today we would be greeting each other happily.
His actions may have been the chief cause, but mine drove the final nail into the coffin.
"To the man who slaps you on one cheek present the other cheek too."
When the harm is physical, it is easier to do that. But when the harm is deeper, like deception, breaking of trust, betrayal etc. it is more difficult to do that, yet all the more important that we do that. But in normal course, we consider mental harm more serious than a physical harm, and so believe that the offender is less deserving of pardon. Can we be more wrong than this?
"Can you get it yourself? I will pay you the money."
"Dude. You gave the cycle for repair. Shouldn't you collect it?".
"Hmmm....mucha...I am busy da."
"Ok, where are you now?"
"In Adyar."
"Oh, I see...ok then...I will get it myself. Bye."
Now, the thing that angered me was this. It is impossible to get to Adyar in 5 minutes from the canteen. Deception.
I think it is important that I also say how I reacted later.
I took the cycle...and much later, A slipped the money under my door when I was sleeping in an envelope. He and I didn't see each other till the evening on the next day, when he came to ask me for the cycle again. I said, "No. I am pissed off with what you did yesterday."
Two days later, he boarded the train home, and we haven't spoken to each other.
In this case, what does forgiving him mean? I ask myself "Am I anyone to forgive?". All I can do is to forget. When I forget, the forgiving is automatic. But, there sure was a period when I was angry, and made my displeasure known to him. It was a time when I failed to live up to that ideal. I should have given him the cycle. But, I didn't. That would have been the application of the principle of Jesus.
Now, let us look at it little more. Some people may even feel what I did was right. After all, he had lied. All my other friends were in support of me. I too thought so at that point of time. But, in retrospect, if I ask this question,"What would I have lost if I had given him the cycle key again?", I realise, that I was a big fool then. I would have lost nothing. In fact, there was a lot to have gained. But, defending my "ego", my "pride", I lost.
In what way did I lose? We two haven't spoken again to each other. We spent 4 years together in the same wing of the same hostel, in the same class, often sharing bench, classnotes, playing games, and a lot of other things. In the end, he is about to leave the campus forever, and I choose to develop grudge and lasting animosity. If only I had chosen the other alternative, in one sweep, all this would have gone, and today we would be greeting each other happily.
His actions may have been the chief cause, but mine drove the final nail into the coffin.
"To the man who slaps you on one cheek present the other cheek too."
When the harm is physical, it is easier to do that. But when the harm is deeper, like deception, breaking of trust, betrayal etc. it is more difficult to do that, yet all the more important that we do that. But in normal course, we consider mental harm more serious than a physical harm, and so believe that the offender is less deserving of pardon. Can we be more wrong than this?
11 Comments:
Time heals. Guess the problem here was just that you didnt have enough time to get over being angry! Its good to forgive, forget but the question is after how long. It might be a few seconds, a few days, or years. Thats the the choice and individual needs to make.
And ideally we make that choice as early as possible, which is immediately. That's what this incident teaches me.
I would say you are still right coz of the realization you have in you. Life is just too short to hold grudges on trivial issues. Even now you have nothing to loose. You can still take the initiative to start the correspondence again. What you felt you lost by ego and pride will be regained.
Cheers
in normal course, we consider mental harm more serious than a physical harm, and so believe that the offender is less deserving of pardon In fact, this is exactly the reason why the offender needs to be pardoned more!! We should all read VegulAmai chapter in Tiurukural a lot! You might find something similar in my blog, albeit more personal!!
@Ram - Thambi puthu post on soundaryam! Comments please!!!
i notice, u havent blogged for weeks now. whats the problem?
firstly, you are doing yourself a favour by the so called forgiveness. secondly, when you get slapped once, you show the other cheek so that the other person (over time) develops a sense that what he did was incorrect. you displayed your displeasure and that is acceptable(to me). he should have apologised. the onus of maintaining a relationship rests on two people and not on the tolerance or patience of one. also (i know this sounds very pessimistic and negetive) why do you worry about leaving on a bad note and things like that? if a friendship has to survive, it will do through many ups and downs (by active effort on both sides). otherwise , even if you leave as best of pals, chances are that in contemporary society, you will drift apart and nothing but a whiff of the frienship will remain. lastly, you are thinking too much. go mtp for a change :)
Wow, I never thought of it that way. I never thought I was an unforgiving person but now that I think about it (your post actually made me ponder for a while), I find that I never forgive people. I am not vindictive mind you, but I tend to dislike a person I've known for a long time without actually knowing why. I don't believe forgetting automatically means forgiving. Because you can forget but your subconscious reacts differently.
And the last paragraph speaks to me. I should try to both forgive and forget from now on because it is indeed harder when you the hurt goes deeper than physical pain.
well, i guess that moment when u said "No" was just a highly "inauspicious" one. the relationship between you and him was a victim of circumstances. and i beleive the incident wouldn't have been so important if he were to stay on in campus, because then, when u'd see him again, i'm pretty sure u'd have talked to him.
and what you may realise here is that except for one-to-one meeting, no other means of correspondence would be that effective in mending relations!
what say?
post da. long time no post
Standing in a situation, we see things in our angle. See it from the other persons and you will realize, maybe, just maybe there was something more to this. Your friend x (for convenience), took you for granted and felt it was no big deal. He was wrong indeed, but who gave him the liberty to take you for granted? You! There is where the root of the problem lies.
Having successfully pissed you off, ‘x’ decides, the incident will be forgotten-his misconception, but the factor that you merely said, u were pissed and didn’t bring it out at a later date, shows a negligence in your part. One important factor plays havoc on feelings and that is, ‘what does this person mean to me’. If a person is dear and close, you would raise your voice and argue, if he is not dear to you, then what next comes to mind is why is the action so important to you! Was it against your principles? Or that you didn’t expect it out of this person? From the look of it, it looks like the later was your case. Leaving the envelope…without facing you shows his guilt, when he has realized that he was wrong, its now your turn to look back and tell him, ‘this is my boundary, now you know it!’
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